I immersed negative thoughts throughout the day. Often questioning my existence or worse, talk myself out of doing something I know can enhance my accomplishments. I’d watch people succeed around me, scrolling down on Instagram or Facebook and deemed on the achievements of other. I’m certain that I will make a difference in life, but in order to do so, I had to get started.
This frightens me because starting can be complicated. It is not as straightforward as one would think. At least that’s how I feel at this moment. What would people say, or what response would I have if someone pointed out grammatical errors? What if the website didn’t function so profoundly? What if no one understood the point I was trying to make, or worse, dismantle my writing, making me feel inadequate or under accomplished.
These thoughts allowed me to take the easy route. I constantly put off the goals I set for myself in the morning, as if it the task would complete itself. I told myself that tomorrow was the official start date, which after weeks of making that statement, starting never happened. This led to one setback after another.
Over months of disappointment, I recognized the hindrance of my own accomplishments. It wasn’t until I heard a podcast titled Jesus and Jollof host by Luvvie Ajayi and Yvonne Orji that put a fire under my writing. These two Nigerian women provoked me to get started. They weren’t just talking to me but it felt like it. Their dialog informed me that we have to put trust into ourselves because if we didn’t, who would?
Prior to starting my second website I thought about the past endeavors and the proudness I felt afterwards. I remembered the challenges and mistakes that added to the scars of my journey. My first E-book showed me the authenticity of business. It demonstrated how someone could take advantage due to ignorance. I had to demand what I want out of my hard work. The long hours of working on a project had to be respected by others, and if you did not demand it, no one would respect it. It was as simple as that! I learned how to protect my efforts and it is okay to not go with the first offer. Had I known what I know now, I would not have sold my E-book to a company that viewed me as a number.
I remember reaching out to the publisher only to get connected to voicemail. I was anxious whenever I did talk to him, hoping he would see things my way, but that never happened. I decided to leave that E-book where it belonged, on a website with other E-books that fought for attention. On a positive note, I had a lot of ideas inside my head and that novel was just a taste of reality I quickly learned from. My second novel was paperback and I was beyond proud when I came face to face with the hard work printed in front of my eyes.
Problems occurred and one person who I was eager to read my novel told me this was by far one of the worse books she ever read. My heart was crushed. I went to the publisher who insured me that my novel was not the worse, but in fact it was good. The person soon apologized for the truth but I didn’t blame her. I only respected her opinion. She was concerned of the publisher and pointed out the issues she had with the novel. She was a white older woman, who didn’t pick up the dialog of Black Americans. We came from two different generations and obviously two different backgrounds, however it forced me to dig deeper. I wanted to appease an audience that would understand me and accepted me with my flaws and all…but I did not want to seem uneducated by simple mistakes. I knew I had work to do.
Adding to my journey I grasped the need of more education. In grad school, I watched how a professor gave me insight on how to pick up on grammatical errors. His advice was a light bulb that went off in my head. That moment I viewed writing under a different perspective. I watched how I evolved in writing and in confidence. I caught my grammatical errors and sometimes chuckled at mistakes I once overlooked. I am not a perfectionist with this craft, but I am getting there. My additional education led me to obtaining a Masters in Communication, and a better understanding on how to navigate the fire of writing.
I walked across that stage with confidence knowing I took something valuable from Notre Dame of Maryland University, and this time I was going to put that knowledge to work. I blogged confidently and after consistency of writing, I found my niche. My purpose in life became meaningful and the negative thoughts faded silently in the background. I grew up and most importantly I became aware of the mistakes I made. But I choose to own up to my scars. I am nowhere near perfect, yet I am far from done.
Despite what happens in the next chapter of my life, I will succeed. There may be bumps in the road, tears shed behind my MAC laptop, and even doubts before I press publish on the computer. Nevertheless, I will continue to brush off the dust, grow, and become a woman people will soon know as a great writer.
-Jamie Bess
