As human beings, we all require others for connection and community in order to be the best versions of ourselves. None of us are capable of shouldering the weight of it all on our own. Due to the way in which community has evolved over the centuries, some of these connections have transformed from your neighbor to helping professionals. Helping professionals include but are not limited to our healthcare practitioners, mental health professionals, public servants, social workers, human resource professionals, community and religious leaders, educators, coaches and caregivers (both paid and unpaid). The goal each of these professions is to improve our well-being by identifying and understanding our problems, empathizing with us, creating and implementing solutions and providing support along the journey. They have made part of their life’s purpose to help others. However, problems start to arise when they believe serving others is their only purpose.
Eventually, this can manifest into people pleasing. However, there are individuals who choose to go into helping professionals because of pre-existing people-pleasing tendencies. People-pleasers are individuals that prioritize others’ needs above their own. This is an admirable trait to have when you are working with someone, especially in the midst of a crisis (distressing, prolonged event that can worsen overtime) or emergency (unexpected event that requires immediate action). But what happens when they become the individuals in distress and continue to proceed as normal?
Problems that may arise due to people pleasing:
Unhealthy relationships with others
Struggling with uncomfortable emotions such as guilt or resentment
Burnout
Poor physical, mental and emotional health
Perfectionism
Lack of identity beyond how they can serve others
Avoidance
How does one become a people pleaser? Sometimes, it starts early and other times it becomes an expectation when you are receiving your education and training.
Received praise or recognition for prioritizing others. Your siblings and you are disappointed because you could not go to the fair that year. You immediately try to soothe your siblings, but no one makes space for you to express your disappointment.Your parents talk about how wonderful a sibling you are for this behavior.
Heard positive messages about self-sacrifice. You worked hard all summer, missing several events with your friends, to save up to purchase a car. Unfortunately, a family member needs to pay their rent. You are expected to give your savings to them because they need it more than you. Your decision is going to speak to your character. Likely, you were expected to be a cheerful giver and never expect anything in return.
Taught that the patient/clients come first. Throughout your training, you were expected to be underpaid or receive no payment for the care you were providing. Now, ignoring your needs for rest and nourishment are normalized by long shifts and overpacked schedules. It comes with the career path.
Met with negative reactions (e.g., guilt trips, told you are selfish, or defensiveness) when you tried to voice your feelings, set a boundary, advocate for yourself, or any other self-prioritizing behavior.
You know the old saying, you can’t pour from an empty cup. You cannot give support to others when you are not doing well.
Tips to combat people-pleasing:
Implement at least 10-15 minutes self-care on a daily basis.
Practice self-compassion.
Increase awareness of your bodily needs and respond to them.
Set boundaries.
Identify your values in life.
Understand your self-worth is not based on what you can do for others.Seek help from a mental health professional.
Where readers can find Nemetria Tate, PsyD?
https://www.instagram.com/drnemetria/ or https://www.tiktok.com/@drnemetria